So it's been a while. I found myself stuck in a rut and not having inspiration for new shoots or posts. I got quite frustrated but then I realised that I cannot force inspiration. Today, I wasn't even thinking of writing a blog post but whilst I was journalling inspiration struck and here I am!
The first half of this year has been a journey - and not an easy one at that. I lost my job, couldn't complete my course and found myself completely exhausted and full of despair. But if these negative things hadn't of happened, I wouldn't have learnt what I did and had all these experiences, whether good or bad.
Losing my job made me realise that I need to find a job that works for me and now I'm teaching piano, albeit I only have one student, but that one student brings me joy because I get to share with them my passion and pass on my knowledge.
Not completing my course taught me that to commit to something as big as tertiary study, I need to be 100% ready. Although I was doing really well with this course, my body couldn't take it. I found myself getting seriously ill and having to miss class, putting me days behind and being overwhelmed trying to catch up. These things are out of my control but in order to be able to cope with any unexpected things that may interfere, I need to be in a place when I can handle stress well. I am not disappointed that I dropped out as I learnt so many new, valuable skills which are now leading me to making my first ever handmade cosplay, which at the beginning of the year was a big dream of mine.
This year I have picked up photography jobs and am loving being behind the camera again and relighting the creative fire in me. However, with these jobs comes stress. The particular stress I am talking about is having to talk to people I don't know which is something I struggle with. After Wellington Armageddon I found myself with no desire to do anything and all I could do was sleep. I was exhausted after having to be social and maintain a professional reputation while dealing with anxiety. I am still very proud of what I produced despite the toll it took on me and now I have learned what I need to do when the next Armageddon rolls around to make sure I don't fall back into that pit.
Climbing out of that hole took me several months, but I discovered so many new things about myself and how strong I am and new tactics to deal with anything life throws at me. I have rediscovered hobbies that are bringing me great joy and it has shone light on what I really want in life.
I have come so far since the beginning of this year and I have no intention of stopping. I have made some hard decisions, some of which are risky but I am certain I have the power to make things works.
Now onto my theme for the second half of the year which is...
I have always been the person to despise goals, even the word goal stirs up something in me but recently it has come to my attention that setting goals, both small and big, can make a world of difference.
One of my goals is to really commit to making blog posts and youtube videos. It's something I'm passionate about and something I genuinely enjoy doing and even though I can't force inspiration, planning out my content when inspiration does appear will make this much easier to achieve.
Another one of my goals is to journal everyday. While stuck in my depression I started journalling, but not the way I used to where it would be all negative and I would spiral out of control, but instead shining a positive light on it, being grateful and accepting what is happening and figuring out the best way to deal with them. Consistency in this will help me be more positive and overall much happier.
One more goal is to embrace love, not fear, something I learnt today from Lavendaire's latest video, check it out here. I live my whole life being afraid and that is not a life I want to live. Being afraid achieves nothing. It is time I embrace love and change. I wrote down some key points in my life where fear takes over: my relationships with others, my relationship with myself and new experiences. This fear holds me back from experiencing new, incredible things and I want to experience more instead of sticking to my comfort zone. Although I find it incredibly cheesy, and Cyren couldn't help but cringe, my old psychologist once told me, "Your life begins at the end of your comfort zone." And yes, I find it hard not to giggle, but there is definitely some truth to that quote, I just need to be open to the possibilities. So it's time to face my fears and embrace love and the only way this will change is if I'm consistent with these actions.
That is all for today's post. I hope you enjoyed it, thanks for stopping by!