Recently I've been feeling flat. I haven't had the energy to do all the things I want to do and this lack of passion and vigor is affecting my mood and putting me in a hole I am struggling to get out of. But with this, I have realised that I don't need to accomplish huge tasks and succeed everyday, especially when I'm too exhausted to move from my bed, but instead to do little things each day that bring me even a small amount of joy so I don't feel like all is lost.
Earlier this week I had my piano tuned. Even though I still played it when it was out, having it now at concert pitch and sounding a lot brighter has inspired me to play even more. When I was studying for my diploma, I lost the reason why I played piano. I was so focused on getting it technically correct and pleasing my teacher that I wasn't enjoying it anymore. I dreaded going to my lessons and had no motivation to practice. I passed my exam and attained my letters but I wish I could go back and do it again with the mindset I'm in now and show them why this is my passion and why I started playing at the young age of five and never looking back. I stopped playing for about 2 years after my diploma, partly because I moved to Australia and didn't have a piano with me but even when a piano was around, the desire wasn't there. This past year I've been playing for hours almost everyday. Relearning my favourite pieces and discovering so much that I didn't notice while focusing too much on being "correct". Even though I am hearing the same pieces over and over again, my love for them doesn't change, in fact I learn to love them even more and deepen my connection with the composer.
I was never much of a composer myself, in fact I struggled with it immensely, but I have discovered that with the right inspiration, I can create something that is beautiful and raw and embodies everything I am thinking and feeling. Writing these songs is bringing me so much happiness and this tiny sense of accomplishment I get when I finish a song and I am proud of it is one of the little things that is helping me get through the day.
As most of you know, one of my other loves is fashion. I love creating new outfits and I feel very confident, which is unusual for someone with no confidence, when I am wearing an outfit that is admittedly very me. So I have been making sure that I am always dressing in a way that brings me joy, even if it's a stay at home day I will still make the effort to put together an outfit to spark inspiration and make me feel like I can take on the world. About half of my wardrobe is in Australia right now and I was feeling quite lost without it and that I was just repeating outfits but even with only a small amount of clothes, you can create countless different looks and I am loving how I can take two pieces from different outfits, put the together and create something new and magical and everything I want it to be.
At last my new camera battery has arrived! As some of you may know, I do a little bit of photography work here and there although my past jobs I haven't had a reliable battery and have been using other cameras, either my sister's or Cyren's. Now that I have a functioning battery I can get back into photography, not just as a job, but as a hobby. For along time I had a lot of those, "I wish I had a camera" moments but it is now no longer. I am so excited to embrace more creativity through a different medium and create art that speaks to me.
Giving myself something to look forward to is another little thing that helps my drive. This weekend is Christchurch Armageddon and as much as I enjoy these cons, after Wellington I am unsure about how I am going to cope, especially with my energy levels at the moment. But I was talking to my friend T the other day that I want to shoot her Lolita coord because Lolita is something I really love and next thing I know she is letting me borrow one of her dresses to wear to Armageddon and just like that, I was feeling alive. I haven't worn Lolita in the longest time and fell off the wagon a bit and my coords sat in a closet collecting dust. I forgot how much I adore Japanese fashion and realised that if I have to do something that most people would consider weird to bring me delight, then fuck everyone else and embrace it! I cannot wait to share with you what I'm wearing and to get that feeling that I had when I went to the Baby The Stars Shine Bright store in Paris again.
All in all, we don't have to set these massive goals and achieve greatness everyday. Focus on the little things so the journey becomes slightly easier and you can feel those little sparks of bliss everyday.
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