The Journey Thus Far: Part Two March '19 | Adjusting to Life as New Parents

March 2019 - The First Month

Our wee boy was absolute perfection. I remember laying in recovery, skin to skin with my son, while he slept peacefully. His first feed took over an hour as he would fall asleep every minute. In the end we fed him by syringe so he could get some rest. It only took 1mL of milk to fill his tiny stomach.



For the first few days he just slept. We had to set alarms every 3 hours to wake him up and feed him, both night and day. Each time he fell asleep on the breast we would have to wipe a cold cloth on his face so he could continue feeding. In his waking hours he had what we called “greyhound chatters” where his wee mouth was chattering away. This was the first symptom of his detox from my medication.



I was admitted to hospital for four days as the risk of postpartum psychosis was high. My partner stayed each and every day, sleeping on the floor beside me. By the fourth day I was ready to leave and had all my bags packed however when they weighed Riblet it showed that he had lost a significant amount of weight and we wouldn’t be able to leave until he gained something. I remember feeling dread around spending another night in hospital. I had cabin fever and was ready to go home and the guilt around my partner sleeping on the floor was becoming too much to bear.



That day we were instructed to do top ups of milk after every feed. I would pump all throughout the day and after each feed we would give him a bottle. He hated it and so did I. He was so full that he was adamant on not having a bottle and would vomit after each feed and I felt so guilty force feeding him. Thankfully he gained 20g over night and we were permitted to leave.



It was such a relief to finally be back home. Instantly I felt like I could breathe again and was looking forward to the next week and a half that my partner had off from work. It was the longest consecutive days we had spent together and it was magical. Every time I looked at Rohan that biggest smile would spread across my face and when my smile was so big it couldn’t grow anymore, I would laugh. My partner said to me he had never seen me so happy in my life and I was a beacon of love. My family was perfect and I wouldn’t swap it for the world.



In hospital we had organised a routine for feeding. In order for us to get enough sleep we took shifts with feeding. My partner would feed him anytime from when we went to bed til 2am and then I would feed him from 2am onwards. This meant we both got at least a six hour chunk of uninterrupted sleep and it was definitely our saving grace.

I recall being slightly worried about my abundant energy and the possibility of postpartum psychosis setting in but I tried to just enjoy the high and the energy while it lasted. I would wake up early in the morning, feed Riblet and then put him back to bed. I would spend a few hours each morning having time for myself and allowing my partner to get a much needed sleep in. I loved my morning routine and was thriving.

Once my partner started back at work things changed. I was bored and felt like an old cow just sitting and feeding constantly. I felt anxious and there was anger boiling up inside me. My high started fading away and the disrupted sleep caught up with me. My mind started ruminating on old wounds and I would get stuck in a negative spiral.
I find it hard to recall how I was feeling. I knew it wasn’t as bad as when I was pregnant but it was bad enough to warrant an emergency meeting with my psychiatrist at Mothers and Babies. It was decided that I would be admitted onto the ward to try and alleviate my symptoms. For some reason I didn’t think that I needed to tell anyone that I was going to be admitted but on a bad day I told my partner in a melancholic tone that I was going to go to hospital. He was quite shocked that I didn’t think to tell him earlier and I couldn’t come up with any reason why I hadn’t; I was apathetic about life.

The day before I was admitted I remember being full of rage. Not around anything specific but just angry at the world and everyone in it. I had a breakdown and began screaming outside. My parents came out to try and console me but they had also seen this side of me before and knew that they just had to wait it out. While my dad was outside with me we heard the gate open and he walked around to see who was coming in. Instantly I knew what had happened; someone had called the police.

The officer I talked to was very understanding and offered me support and after he left I went inside and starting packing my bags, feeling like the timing was right.

The Journey Thus Far: Part One Nov '18 - Feb '19

TRIGGER WARNING - talk of suicide.

How much can change in a year? Nine months? Six. Three. Even as little as one. Turns out, it’s an astronomical amount. I have been on a journey, a journey of self discovery and recovery, that has had equal parts triumph and disaster. I am not one often to reach out or be public about my struggles. At times I have shared my thoughts and feelings around my mental health. I even, at one point, started a YouTube video series where I talked about what is was like living with mental illnesses but as with most things in life, these feelings weren’t linear. Sometimes, I would be more than happy to talk about how things were and other times I would be so deeply ashamed that I would isolate myself and not speak. The latter occurred more often than not. Now, with slight trepidation, I have decided to share my journey in the hopes that one person finds comfort or hope in my story and struggles.

November 2018 - End of Second Trimester
November started with a trip to A&E and the beginning of what would be the worst months of my life. I was home alone when all of a sudden I felt as though my brain wasn’t getting any oxygen and was about to burst. A glimpse in the mirror saw that my face was beetroot red-purple and before I could pass out I quickly lay down on my bed. Struggling to stay conscious and with my heart racing and pounding I felt around for my phone and called my dad. He told me he would be home as quick as possible and to stay flat and wait; I didn’t dare move for fear that I would collapse with no one home. Upon my dad’s return my feet and hands were white with blue nails and I was shaking. We decided I needed to been seen and with much difficulty I crawled into the car and we headed for the hospital.

When we arrived a stretcher was brought out to the car and I was wheeled into the emergency room. As suspected, each time I sat up my blood pressure would drop which would then be followed by a period of tachycardia. Investigations begun into the cause of these symptoms. Blood was taken and ECGs and thorough ultrasounds and echos were performed but to no avail. After three attempts and the help from many nurses I managed to sit up and my blood pressure stabilised. The blood tests uncovered that I was very slightly anaemic but that wasn’t necessarily that cause of my ill health. There was speculation that Riblet (the nickname for our child) was pinching my femoral artery although that generally happened towards the end of the third trimester. Nonetheless I was sent home with the advice that if this should repeat I would lie on my left side until it passed, which could easily be a few hours.

The first few weeks after being in hospital were horrific. If I focused on my breathing my heart would race and skip beats; if I focused on slowing my heart I would start hyperventilating. My limbs were constantly tingling or numb and cold and a lot of the time I was bedridden. This didn’t sit well with me as up until now I had had an active pregnancy, this was definitely spurred on by the fact that when I became pregnant I was in the depths of my eating disorder with which a part was my intense exercise addiction.
I tried reading books or watching TV, distracting myself with any means possible but this only heightened my symptoms. Looking back now I know that this increase was caused by my high levels of anxiety. I could barely sleep and couldn’t travel so at this time my partner moved in with myself and my parents so he could be close to me. Living under my parents roof and practically confined to one room was a struggle for both of us and tension grew. I fell into a deep depression.

December 2018 - Beginning of Third Trimester
In the past I have suffered with psychosis however this has always been coupled with a manic episode and I had never experienced it in a depressed state. This all changed just before I entered my third trimester.
I remember feeling like I could hear the entire world, not only it’s occupants but the planet itself. The world was buzzing in my ears telling me the something was wrong and I struggled with not knowing who I was or where I was. The screaming began not long after these initial feelings. I would collapse onto the floor shouting at no one. Yelling at the top of my lungs that, “I hated them. I want to kill them.” I felt as though I was being electrocuted and that my brain was being rejected from my body, like a transplanted organ. I would get stuck standing in one place because moving forward would mean continuing this pain of existence and maybe if I stood still time would stop, life would stop. This always ended with another episode of screaming on the floor with fear and uncertainty in my eyes.
For about three weeks this continued, with several events each day. My whole family was treading on eggshells around me and were exhausted dealing with this. My partner would leave for work each morning drained and come home each day with the optimism that maybe it was over but was met with the same distress.

January 2019
I had finally came out of my terrifying episode but the pain wasn’t over. This month and the next were filled with white hot feelings of sadness, despair, fear and a overwhelming feeling of wanting to give up. Our antenatal class teacher had her fair share of peri and postnatal depression and could always tell when it had been a particularly bad day for me. I had many days where I cried for hours on end, until my nose bled and others when I sat in bed for three hours navigating a panic attack. After each occasion of intense emotion I would hold my stomach and say to Riblet, “I know it may seem scary out here but I promise I will get through this and when you come out you will be so loved and safe.” Despite my intentions, I didn’t believe I would get through this. There were times where I was asking people around me to kill me, to let me die. I was severely suicidal but there was no way I would do anything to hurt my baby. At my lowest points, I wished that something would go terribly wrong during childbirth and I would die. This thought reoccured frequently.

February 2019 - The Birth
My depression hadn’t eased and my mental health was deteriorating rapidly. Throughout my pregnancy I had been waiting for my referral to Mothers & Babies to go through, a specialist mental health service for pregnancy and parenthood. My relationship with my case manager with the community adult mental health services I was currently with was complicated and unpleasant so for most of my pregnancy I was dealing with everything with no professional input. I started with the new service at twenty-seven weeks and it was clear I needed help.

One day towards the end of February I was having a particularly bad day and my partner decided to take me for a drive and a walk on top of the hills. We arrived at the Sign of the Kiwi and climbed to a spot where we sat and talked. I started asking him questions around how he would care for our child if I couldn’t. I told him that I needed to know that Riblet would be taken care of because I was planning to take my life after he was born. At this very moment a huge truck came into view, parked in our line of sight and on its side was written in huge, block letters, ‘SUCK IT UP.’ I said, “Well if that’s not a sign from the universe I don’t know what is.” and for the first time in a long time, I laughed.

That afternoon I had an appointment with my obstetrician. He asked me how I was doing and I racked my brain looking for a way to explain how I was feeling. I didn’t need to say much and thankfully he recognised what was going on. The decision was made that I couldn’t stay pregnant any longer and Riblet would need to be born, either by caesarian section or I would be induced. We agreed on a c-section and my obstetrician worked hard to get my booked in as quickly as possible. He told me that he had worked with several cases like this and that majority of people felt a million times better after giving birth. I remember the huge, thick fog of darkness surrounding me lifted slightly with the thought of this being over very soon.

The day of my surgery arrived and I was so excited to meet our little boy. We arrived at the hospital early and in only a few short hours we had a family. I remember feeling so much love and like I had finally made it out and I was thankful to be alive.

Sensory Overload | What Is It?

Ever felt overwhelmed by the environment? There's just too much going on? Noise, light, feelings? You may be experiencing sensory overload. All of us experience sensory overload to some degree in our lives, some people however experience it more often and at a different intensity. Today I've decided to write a post all about sensory overload as it is something I experience regularly and have only just begun to learn how to cope with it and what my triggers are.

Sensory overload happens when you get more input from your senses than your brain can process. This can manifest in different ways and to a different level of intensity, some of the symptoms include:

• Difficulty focusing
• Irritability 
• Restlessness and discomfort
• Possibly feeling the need to cover your ears or eyes to limit the input 
• Feeling overexcited or "wound up"
• Stress, fear or anxiety regarding your surroundings 
• High levels of sensitivity with your sense, for example, you may be more sensitive to certain textures on your skin 

There are five basic senses; sight, taste, smell, touch and hearing. There are also two more internal senses. These are the vestibular system which deals with balance and spatial orientation and proprioception which is your sense of orientation of your body in the environment. These two internal senses are important to know when it comes to sensory modulation, which I will talk about in another post.

When there are too many environmental triggers your brain struggles to prioritise just one and your brain gets stuck trying to process everything, sending you into panic to get away from the sensory input.

If you struggle with sensory overload often it is important to recognise your triggers. For me, I find trying to process information visually while there is a lot of noise around, whether it's music, TV noise or just background noise, I start to get overloaded. If I am emotionally vulnerable or tired, bright lights and loud colours send me into a panic and I start to feel like I'm suffocating. It is important for me to focus on one thing at a time so I don't get overwhelmed. If you are sensitive to your environment or suffer from intense emotions it is important to do just one thing at a time and practice mindfulness. I have found this a huge help in dealing with sensory overload.
If I am at a point where I am in a complete panic and am experiencing this overload to a high degree I find that best thing for me is to make a hot water bottle. I personally find warm sensations very calming and it tends to quiet the "noise" around me and inside my head. I also dim the lights and sometimes put on some quiet, chill music as complete silence can also be too much.
In my next post I will talk about sensory modulation and how that has helped me managing everyday life and also managing sensory overload. It's all about finding what works for you!

I hope you enjoyed this post and learnt something new, there are plenty of resources online if you are interested in learning more.

Until next time,
Alice.

It's the little things.

Recently I've been feeling flat. I haven't had the energy to do all the things I want to do and this lack of passion and vigor is affecting my mood and putting me in a hole I am struggling to get out of. But with this, I have realised that I don't need to accomplish huge tasks and succeed everyday, especially when I'm too exhausted to move from my bed, but instead to do little things each day that bring me even a small amount of joy so I don't feel like all is lost.

Earlier this week I had my piano tuned. Even though I still played it when it was out, having it now at concert pitch and sounding a lot brighter has inspired me to play even more. When I was studying for my diploma, I lost the reason why I played piano. I was so focused on getting it technically correct and pleasing my teacher that I wasn't enjoying it anymore. I dreaded going to my lessons and had no motivation to practice. I passed my exam and attained my letters but I wish I could go back and do it again with the mindset I'm in now and show them why this is my passion and why I started playing at the young age of five and never looking back. I stopped playing for about 2 years after my diploma, partly because I moved to Australia and didn't have a piano with me but even when a piano was around, the desire wasn't there. This past year I've been playing for hours almost everyday. Relearning my favourite pieces and discovering so much that I didn't notice while focusing too much on being "correct". Even though I am hearing the same pieces over and over again, my love for them doesn't change, in fact I learn to love them even more and deepen my connection with the composer.
I was never much of a composer myself, in fact I struggled with it immensely, but I have discovered that with the right inspiration, I can create something that is beautiful and raw and embodies everything I am thinking and feeling. Writing these songs is bringing me so much happiness and this tiny sense of accomplishment I get when I finish a song and I am proud of it is one of the little things that is helping me get through the day.

As most of you know, one of my other loves is fashion. I love creating new outfits and I feel very confident, which is unusual for someone with no confidence, when I am wearing an outfit that is admittedly very me. So I have been making sure that I am always dressing in a way that brings me joy, even if it's a stay at home day I will still make the effort to put together an outfit to spark inspiration and make me feel like I can take on the world. About half of my wardrobe is in Australia right now and I was feeling quite lost without it and that I was just repeating outfits but even with only a small amount of clothes, you can create countless different looks and I am loving how I can take two pieces from different outfits, put the together and create something new and magical and everything I want it to be.

At last my new camera battery has arrived! As some of you may know, I do a little bit of photography work here and there although my past jobs I haven't had a reliable battery and have been using other cameras, either my sister's or Cyren's. Now that I have a functioning battery I can get back into photography, not just as a job, but as a hobby. For along time I had a lot of those, "I wish I had a camera" moments but it is now no longer. I am so excited to embrace more creativity through a different medium and create art that speaks to me.

Giving myself something to look forward to is another little thing that helps my drive. This weekend is Christchurch Armageddon and as much as I enjoy these cons, after Wellington I am unsure about how I am going to cope, especially with my energy levels at the moment. But I was talking to my friend T the other day that I want to shoot her Lolita coord because Lolita is something I really love and next thing I know she is letting me borrow one of her dresses to wear to Armageddon and just like that, I was feeling alive. I haven't worn Lolita in the longest time and fell off the wagon a bit and my coords sat in a closet collecting dust. I forgot how much I adore Japanese fashion and realised that if I have to do something that most people would consider weird to bring me delight, then fuck everyone else and embrace it! I cannot wait to share with you what I'm wearing and to get that feeling that I had when I went to the Baby The Stars Shine Bright store in Paris again.

All in all, we don't have to set these massive goals and achieve greatness everyday. Focus on the little things so the journey becomes slightly easier and you can feel those little sparks of bliss everyday.

How To Stay On Top Of Your Mental Health

Greetings all!
As some of you may know, I struggle with mental illness. Recently I had a bit of a relapse and realised that I need to take some steps to start my journey to recovery. In this post I will be sharing my tips and advice for staying on top of your game. Just so you know, I am not a doctor and this is not medial advice. What I am sharing are steps you can take that I have discovered from both professionals and from within myself.

Routine Routine Routine:
I have heard this over and over again and I stand by it, have a routine and stick to it! Having a plan helps take the pressure off you and makes you feel more composed. Somedays it’s going to be hard to stick to your routine but every time you say no to your illness and continue on your day is a small victory and baby steps are the way to go when improving your wellbeing. Now, when I was making my daily plan I was quite anal and rigid about it because well, that’s just who I am but once I feel more settled I will give myself some leeway so I can be flexible. In my plan I have set a time to wake up and go to bed, meal times, time slots to be creative and active and free time so I don’t go mad. As well as this, I have scheduled in time for self care. I have also allocated times to express gratitude and say daily positive affirmations but I’ll talk about those later. Have a think about what brings you joy and makes you feel calm and then create a routine based around that.

Get Support:
I would highly recommend getting some form of professional support on your journey to wellness. Whether that be a social worker or a whole team of psychiatrists and psychologists. Don’t be afraid to speak up and look for help, no one can do this on their own and this could be the very thing you need to get you up and running again. Depending on where you live, specialist mental health care is generally free unless you go to a private clinic. Most universities and polytechs have some sort of arrangement where you can get a certain amount of sessions with a social worker or psychologist for free so if you are studying go to the health centre and find out what they can offer you.

Diet:
Eating clean can make a huge impact on your mental health. Myself personally, I follow a mostly vegan, whole foods diet and it makes me feel amazing. Unfortunately, in order to get the best results with your diet, you’re going to have to do some trial and error. Not everyone reacts to different foods that same way and you may find some foods make you feel worse instead of better. So pay attention to what you’re eating and try a find some correlation between food and your mood.

Exercise:
Get active people! Endorphins are a wonderful thing. In New Zealand doctors are now recommending exercise before attempting to be treated by medication, how amazing is that? You don’t have to run 10km a day to be active, even a 20 minutes walk is enough to get the heart pumping and the endorphins running. If exercise really isn’t your thing, try exercising with a friend, you’ll be talking so much you won’t even notice your exercising. If you can’t bear the thought of going to the gym, why not join a sports team? It’s social, fun and a great way to stay active. My personal favourite forms of exercise are hiking, rock climbing and yoga. I love walking out in nature, getting some sun on my skin (important for Vitamin D) and breathing in clean, fresh air, makes a world of different. Yoga is another great option for exercise as you can practice at any level. There are yin classes which are very slow through to power vinyasa which are intense. I love doing these classes in extreme heat, my favourite class being at 40ºC. Rock climbing for me holds a very special place in my heart, it’s one of the only activities where I don’t beat myself up when things go wrong and I am building myself up and absolutely crushing it! What I’m trying to say is, exercise shouldn’t be a chore or dreaded, experiment a bit until you find something you love.

Sleep:
Ahh sleep, my one true love. Having good sleep hygiene makes a HUGE difference in your mood and the way you cope with stress. Going back to what I said about routine earlier, choose a time you want to go to sleep and then wake up 7-8 hours after that, or vice versa, choose the time you want to wake up and calculate what time you need to go to sleep to get 7-8 hours. Have some wind down time before going to sleep. Try and avoid stimulants like screens, coffee, tea and cigarettes and instead having warm shower or bath, have a cup of chamomile tea and just chill. If you like reading, try reading a book although that is a double edged sword because I’ve said to myself, “I’m going to read for 30 minutes” and BAM it’s 4am. If you wake up in the night and find you can’t go back to sleep, don’t jump straight on your phone or pop out for a smoke. Instead, try lying in bed with your eyes closed or if you’re really restless, read the phonebook, it’s so boring you will probably doze off.

Mindfulness:
This is a bit of a touchy topic but there have been lots of studies showing how practicing mindfulness and meditation dramatically reduces stress and boosts your mood. Mindfulness is the practice of concentrating on only what is happening at that very second, here and now and blocking out worries from the past or concerns for the future. Most mindfulness exercises are done through meditation however there are some other ways to do it. I was once walked through an exercise where you squeeze your hands really tight for 5 - 10 seconds and then release noticing how your hands feel after your release them. If you are new to meditation, I would highly recommend starting with a guided meditation. There are plenty of apps, podcasts and youtube videos that can help you

Positive thinking:
Now I struggle with this a lot! I am definitely a pessimist and although that may never change, taking my negative thoughts and making them positive is a great skill to have. The ways in which I am applying some positive thoughts into my life are by having a gratitude journal and saying daily affirmations. Expressing gratitude is a great way to introduce some positivity into your life. Grab a journal and everyday write down 10, or as many as you like, things you are grateful for. Daily affirmations are something I have literally just started and although they are not a quick fix, eventually you will start believing them and thus begins the journey of self love.

Aromatherapy:
So you want a more natural approach to bettering your mental health? Try aromatherapy. You can do this by either burning a candle or incense or you can by an oil diffuser (I want one SO bad) and add some drops of essentials oils to fill your room. I admit, oil diffusers are pretty pricey so if that doesn’t work for you mix some essential oils with a carrier oil and apply to the inside of your wrist, sniffing throughout the day.
Scents for depression: rose, ylang ylang, jasmine, clary sage, bergamot, grapefruit, lemon
Scents for relaxation/sleep: lavender, chamomile
Scents for anxiety: lavender, rose, ylang ylang, chamomile
Scents for anger: ylang ylang
Scents for irritability: sandalwood (my personal favourite)

Have an outlet:
Having an outlet to release all of those built up feelings and emotions is super helpful for your overall wellbeing. The best outlets are either creative outlets or physical outlets, such as exercise. I like to combine the two for the best results. Everyday I go for a walk or do some yoga as well as exercising my creativity by doing some writing, playing piano or making clothes. For me it is very important to express myself as I find I understand myself more when I do this and the more I understand myself, the more I can begin to find ways to support myself.