Thursday, May 31, 2018

It's the little things.

Recently I've been feeling flat. I haven't had the energy to do all the things I want to do and this lack of passion and vigor is affecting my mood and putting me in a hole I am struggling to get out of. But with this, I have realised that I don't need to accomplish huge tasks and succeed everyday, especially when I'm too exhausted to move from my bed, but instead to do little things each day that bring me even a small amount of joy so I don't feel like all is lost.

Earlier this week I had my piano tuned. Even though I still played it when it was out, having it now at concert pitch and sounding a lot brighter has inspired me to play even more. When I was studying for my diploma, I lost the reason why I played piano. I was so focused on getting it technically correct and pleasing my teacher that I wasn't enjoying it anymore. I dreaded going to my lessons and had no motivation to practice. I passed my exam and attained my letters but I wish I could go back and do it again with the mindset I'm in now and show them why this is my passion and why I started playing at the young age of five and never looking back. I stopped playing for about 2 years after my diploma, partly because I moved to Australia and didn't have a piano with me but even when a piano was around, the desire wasn't there. This past year I've been playing for hours almost everyday. Relearning my favourite pieces and discovering so much that I didn't notice while focusing too much on being "correct". Even though I am hearing the same pieces over and over again, my love for them doesn't change, in fact I learn to love them even more and deepen my connection with the composer.
I was never much of a composer myself, in fact I struggled with it immensely, but I have discovered that with the right inspiration, I can create something that is beautiful and raw and embodies everything I am thinking and feeling. Writing these songs is bringing me so much happiness and this tiny sense of accomplishment I get when I finish a song and I am proud of it is one of the little things that is helping me get through the day.

As most of you know, one of my other loves is fashion. I love creating new outfits and I feel very confident, which is unusual for someone with no confidence, when I am wearing an outfit that is admittedly very me. So I have been making sure that I am always dressing in a way that brings me joy, even if it's a stay at home day I will still make the effort to put together an outfit to spark inspiration and make me feel like I can take on the world. About half of my wardrobe is in Australia right now and I was feeling quite lost without it and that I was just repeating outfits but even with only a small amount of clothes, you can create countless different looks and I am loving how I can take two pieces from different outfits, put the together and create something new and magical and everything I want it to be.

At last my new camera battery has arrived! As some of you may know, I do a little bit of photography work here and there although my past jobs I haven't had a reliable battery and have been using other cameras, either my sister's or Cyren's. Now that I have a functioning battery I can get back into photography, not just as a job, but as a hobby. For along time I had a lot of those, "I wish I had a camera" moments but it is now no longer. I am so excited to embrace more creativity through a different medium and create art that speaks to me.

Giving myself something to look forward to is another little thing that helps my drive. This weekend is Christchurch Armageddon and as much as I enjoy these cons, after Wellington I am unsure about how I am going to cope, especially with my energy levels at the moment. But I was talking to my friend T the other day that I want to shoot her Lolita coord because Lolita is something I really love and next thing I know she is letting me borrow one of her dresses to wear to Armageddon and just like that, I was feeling alive. I haven't worn Lolita in the longest time and fell off the wagon a bit and my coords sat in a closet collecting dust. I forgot how much I adore Japanese fashion and realised that if I have to do something that most people would consider weird to bring me delight, then fuck everyone else and embrace it! I cannot wait to share with you what I'm wearing and to get that feeling that I had when I went to the Baby The Stars Shine Bright store in Paris again.

All in all, we don't have to set these massive goals and achieve greatness everyday. Focus on the little things so the journey becomes slightly easier and you can feel those little sparks of bliss everyday.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Mid Year Review & Theme For Second Half

Welcome back!

So it's been a while. I found myself stuck in a rut and not having inspiration for new shoots or posts. I got quite frustrated but then I realised that I cannot force inspiration. Today, I wasn't even thinking of writing a blog post but whilst I was journalling inspiration struck and here I am!

The first half of this year has been a journey - and not an easy one at that. I lost my job, couldn't complete my course and found myself completely exhausted and full of despair. But if these negative things hadn't of happened, I wouldn't have learnt what I did and had all these experiences, whether good or bad.
Losing my job made me realise that I need to find a job that works for me and now I'm teaching piano, albeit I only have one student, but that one student brings me joy because I get to share with them my passion and pass on my knowledge.
Not completing my course taught me that to commit to something as big as tertiary study, I need to be 100% ready. Although I was doing really well with this course, my body couldn't take it. I found myself getting seriously ill and having to miss class, putting me days behind and being overwhelmed trying to catch up. These things are out of my control but in order to be able to cope with any unexpected things that may interfere, I need to be in a place when I can handle stress well. I am not disappointed that I dropped out as I learnt so many new, valuable skills which are now leading me to making my first ever handmade cosplay, which at the beginning of the year was a big dream of mine.
This year I have picked up photography jobs and am loving being behind the camera again and relighting the creative fire in me. However, with these jobs comes stress. The particular stress I am talking about is having to talk to people I don't know which is something I struggle with. After Wellington Armageddon I found myself with no desire to do anything and all I could do was sleep. I was exhausted after having to be social and maintain a professional reputation while dealing with anxiety. I am still very proud of what I produced despite the toll it took on me and now I have learned what I need to do when the next Armageddon rolls around to make sure I don't fall back into that pit.
Climbing out of that hole took me several months, but I discovered so many new things about myself and how strong I am and new tactics to deal with anything life throws at me. I have rediscovered hobbies that are bringing me great joy and it has shone light on what I really want in life.
I have come so far since the beginning of this year and I have no intention of stopping. I have made some hard decisions, some of which are risky but I am certain I have the power to make things works.

Now onto my theme for the second half of the year which is...


I have always been the person to despise goals, even the word goal stirs up something in me but recently it has come to my attention that setting goals, both small and big, can make a world of difference.
One of my goals is to really commit to making blog posts and youtube videos. It's something I'm passionate about and something I genuinely enjoy doing and even though I can't force inspiration, planning out my content when inspiration does appear will make this much easier to achieve.
Another one of my goals is to journal everyday. While stuck in my depression I started journalling, but not the way I used to where it would be all negative and I would spiral out of control, but instead shining a positive light on it, being grateful and accepting what is happening and figuring out the best way to deal with them. Consistency in this will help me be more positive and overall much happier.
One more goal is to embrace love, not fear, something I learnt today from Lavendaire's latest video, check it out here. I live my whole life being afraid and that is not a life I want to live. Being afraid achieves nothing. It is time I embrace love and change. I wrote down some key points in my life where fear takes over: my relationships with others, my relationship with myself and new experiences. This fear holds me back from experiencing new, incredible things and I want to experience more instead of sticking to my comfort zone. Although I find it incredibly cheesy, and Cyren couldn't help but cringe, my old psychologist once told me, "Your life begins at the end of your comfort zone." And yes, I find it hard not to giggle, but there is definitely some truth to that quote, I just need to be open to the possibilities. So it's time to face my fears and embrace love and the only way this will change is if I'm consistent with these actions.

That is all for today's post. I hope you enjoyed it, thanks for stopping by!
See ya.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Visual Kei

A few weekends ago I did some headshots with Cyren featuring a Visual Kei make up look. Visual Kei is one of my favourite Japanese subcultures, also the music is legit!
I found that no matter how much hairspray I put in my hair, it just won't hold the look so we had to shoot pretty quickly. I'm so happy with how these shots came out, he is so talented.